Humor

Chief Clancy Wiggum might very well be the dimmest and most incompetent civic leader in Springfield, but as long as he has a gun and badge, most citizens exercise their right to remain silent. After many a late-night stakeout and thousands of early morning donuts, this top cop offers up his procedural wisdom on what it takes to wear the shield, how to keep on the right side of the law, and the real cost of quick and speedy justice. On Wiggum's watch you'll check out the seized property auction catalog, learn the secret language of police codes, find out how to avoid a speeding ticket, line up with Springfield's usual suspects, and get the skinny on Springfield's most wanted criminal...El Barto.

A rib-tickling feast of the English language’s cleverest and most inventive contemporary wordplay.

Everyone delights in wordplay! When there’s a sale on tennis balls, it’s first come, first serve. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. Why does the Pope travel so much? Because he’s a roamin’ Catholic. What is purple and 5,000 miles long? The Grape Wall of China! 

O-pun the door to 1,001 goodies that will have you howling or groaning, but certainly—like the surgery patient—in stitches.

AUCTION DESCRIPTION

The Bart Book is now being released in hardback, as part of the ongoing series: The Simpsons Library of Wisdom.

Bart Simpson, the much–maligned, misunderstood, under–appreciated 'underachiever', comes clean and (God help us!) it's worse than we thought. Now the truth can be told at last as Bart offers up his school survival guide, secret codes, pullable pranks, dream tattoos, favourite El Barto 'tags', and the Christmas list to end all lists (and future visits from Santa). It's the worst, we mean . the best book ever!

In The Simpsons Library of Wisdom, Matt Groening, the creator of 'The Simpsons', offers an ongoing series of portable and quotable books that will eliminate the need for all religions and philosophies, exalt man's role in the universe and make the world a better place ... sort of. No other television show in history has commented so freely and so humorously on modern times, and there seems to be no end in sight for the sharp satire and pointed parody that 'The Simpsons' serves up every night of the week all around the world.

If you're a dinosaur, all of your friends are dead. If you're a pirate, all of your friends have scurvy. If you're a tree, all of your friends are end tables. Each page of this laugh-out-loud illustrated humor book showcases the downside of being everything from a clown to a cassette tape to a zombie. Cute and dark all at once, this hilarious children's book for adults teaches valuable lessons about life while exploring each cartoon character's unique grievance and wide-eyed predicament. From the sock whose only friends have gone missing to the houseplant whose friends are being slowly killed by irresponsible plant owners (like you), All My Friends Are Dead presents a delightful primer for laughing at the inevitable.

"David Sedaris's ability to transform the mortification of everyday life into wildly entertaining art," (The Christian Science Monitor) is elevated to wilder and more entertaining heights than ever in this remarkable new book. 
Trying to make coffee when the water is shut off, David considers using the water in a vase of flowers and his chain of associations takes him from the French countryside to a hilariously uncomfortable memory of buying drugs in a mobile home in rural North Carolina. In essay after essay, Sedaris proceeds from bizarre conundrums of daily life-having a lozenge fall from your mouth into the lap of a fellow passenger on a plane or armoring the windows with LP covers to protect the house from neurotic songbirds-to the most deeply resonant human truths.  Culminating in a brilliant account of his venture to Tokyo in order to quit smoking, David Sedaris's sixth essay collection is a new masterpiece of comic writing from "a writer worth treasuring" (Seattle Times). 

Praise for When You Are Engulfed in Flames:

"Older, wiser, smarter and meaner, Sedaris...defies the odds once again by delivering an intelligent take on the banalities of an absurd life." --Kirkus Reviews

This latest collection proves that not only does Sedaris still have it, but he's also getting better....Sedaris's best stuff will still--after all this time--move, surprise, and entertain."  --Booklist

Table of Contents:

It's Catching
Keeping Up
The Understudy
This Old House
Buddy, Can You Spare a Tie?
Road Trips
What I Learned
That's Amore
The Monster Mash
In the Waiting Room
Solutions to Saturday's Puzzle
Adult Figures Charging Toward a Concrete Toadstool
Memento Mori
All the Beauty You Will Ever Need
Town and Country
Aerial
The Man in the Hut
Of Mice and Men
April in Paris
Crybaby
Old Faithful
The Smoking Section

"It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains." So begins Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, an expanded edition of the beloved Jane Austen novel featuring all-new scenes of bone-crunching zombie mayhem. As our story opens, a mysterious plague has fallen upon the quiet English village of Meryton and the dead are returning to life! Feisty heroine Elizabeth Bennet is determined to wipe out the zombie menace, but she's soon distracted by the arrival of the haughty and arrogant Mr. Darcy. What ensues is a delightful comedy of manners with plenty of civilized sparring between the two young lovers and even more violent sparring on the blood-soaked battlefield as Elizabeth wages war against hordes of flesh-eating undead. Can she vanquish the spawn of Satan? And overcome the social prejudices of the class-conscious landed gentry? Complete with romance, heartbreak, swordfights, cannibalism, and thousands of rotting corpses, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies transforms a masterpiece of world literature into something you'd actually want to read.