Marge Simpson, the woman with the impossibly blue and improbably high hairdo, is a complex woman with an inner life, hopes and dreams, and an incorrigible family that she holds together with a healthy homemade helping of common sense. Join the coupon-clipping queen of discount shopping at the nearby Sprawl-Mart, at a meeting of the school PTA, in the middle of a bodice-ripping romance novel, at a theatrical performance of her one-woman show, or in her crusade against cartoon violence, domestic strife, and suburbia's quiet life of desperation . . . or at least her desperate hop that no one will hold anything that Homer or Bart does against her personally.
Chief Clancy Wiggum might very well be the dimmest and most incompetent civic leader in Springfield, but as long as he has a gun and badge, most citizens exercise their right to remain silent. After many a late-night stakeout and thousands of early morning donuts, this top cop offers up his procedural wisdom on what it takes to wear the shield, how to keep on the right side of the law, and the real cost of quick and speedy justice. On Wiggum's watch you'll check out the seized property auction catalog, learn the secret language of police codes, find out how to avoid a speeding ticket, line up with Springfield's usual suspects, and get the skinny on Springfield's most wanted criminal...El Barto.
Hi-diddly-ho, true believers! Ned Flanders offers up a helping handful of homespun and homeschooled hints for G-rated general audiences.
Follow the Nedster as he leads you through the thorny debate over church vs. state, puts the focus on the Flander's family tree, and lists his forbidden words (a.k.a. Neddy No-Nos). This gospel of goodness also includes a souvenir map to Praiseland, Ned's Comic Book of Virtues, and a sampling of the left-handed luxuries available only at The Leftorium. Whether you live north, south, east, or even west of the Bible belt, good ol' Nedilly Doodily will put you on the road to righteousness!
Freudian Slip Is When You Say One Thing But Mean Your Mother: 1,001 Funny, Funky, Hip, and Hilarious Puns
A rib-tickling feast of the English language’s cleverest and most inventive contemporary wordplay.
Everyone delights in wordplay! When there’s a sale on tennis balls, it’s first come, first serve. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. Why does the Pope travel so much? Because he’s a roamin’ Catholic. What is purple and 5,000 miles long? The Grape Wall of China!
O-pun the door to 1,001 goodies that will have you howling or groaning, but certainly—like the surgery patient—in stitches.
Excuses for All Occasions: Alibis, Apologies, and Cop-Outs That Can Get You Out of (or Into) Trouble
Our writers would have put something catchy here . . . but they were too busy making excuses.
Looking for ways to escape or shift blame is a fundamental part of life. Here’s a survival guide full of ready-made excuses, from the student’s classic “My dog ate my homework,” to the motorist’s “Was that sign the speed limit, Officer? I thought it was the town’s population,” to the dieter’s “I wasn’t getting enough to eat on one diet, so I had to go on three.” You’ll welcome these ready-made alibis and cop-outs for business, school, sports, family, romance, and other situations where you might find yourself in hot water.
The Bart Book is now being released in hardback, as part of the ongoing series: The Simpsons Library of Wisdom.
Bart Simpson, the much–maligned, misunderstood, under–appreciated 'underachiever', comes clean and (God help us!) it's worse than we thought. Now the truth can be told at last as Bart offers up his school survival guide, secret codes, pullable pranks, dream tattoos, favourite El Barto 'tags', and the Christmas list to end all lists (and future visits from Santa). It's the worst, we mean . the best book ever!
In The Simpsons Library of Wisdom, Matt Groening, the creator of 'The Simpsons', offers an ongoing series of portable and quotable books that will eliminate the need for all religions and philosophies, exalt man's role in the universe and make the world a better place ... sort of. No other television show in history has commented so freely and so humorously on modern times, and there seems to be no end in sight for the sharp satire and pointed parody that 'The Simpsons' serves up every night of the week all around the world.
If you're a dinosaur, all of your friends are dead. If you're a pirate, all of your friends have scurvy. If you're a tree, all of your friends are end tables. Each page of this laugh-out-loud illustrated humor book showcases the downside of being everything from a clown to a cassette tape to a zombie. Cute and dark all at once, this hilarious children's book for adults teaches valuable lessons about life while exploring each cartoon character's unique grievance and wide-eyed predicament. From the sock whose only friends have gone missing to the houseplant whose friends are being slowly killed by irresponsible plant owners (like you), All My Friends Are Dead presents a delightful primer for laughing at the inevitable.
Honoring those who improve our gene pool by inadvertently removing themselves fromit, The Darwin Awards III includes more than one hundred brand new, hilariously macabre mishaps and misadventures.
From a sheriff who inadvertently shot himself twice, to the insurance defrauder who amputated his leg with a chainsaw; from a farmer who avoided bee stings by sealing his head in a plastic bag to the man crushed by the branch he just trimmed, The Darwin Awards III proves again that when it comes to stupidity, no species does it like we do.
Featuring scientific and safety discussions and filled with illustrations depicting inspiring examples of evolution in action, The Darwin Awards III shows once more how uncommon common sense still is.
With over 1.5 million copies sold, the Darwin Awards series is the alpha chimp of humorous human mishaps. Despite being an international bestseller, and inspiring a movie?The Darwin Awards?these cautionary chronicles have failed to stop another generation of Darwin Award winners from steering motorcycles with their feet, heating lava lamps on stoves, using liquid soap as brake fluid, and drowning themselves in the kitchen sink.
Filled with more than 100 new tales of evolution in action, plus science essays and a parody research paper supporting Intelligent Design, The Darwin Awards 4 shows that when it comes to common sense, natural selection still has a long, long way to go.
"David Sedaris's ability to transform the mortification of everyday life into wildly entertaining art," (The Christian Science Monitor) is elevated to wilder and more entertaining heights than ever in this remarkable new book.
Trying to make coffee when the water is shut off, David considers using the water in a vase of flowers and his chain of associations takes him from the French countryside to a hilariously uncomfortable memory of buying drugs in a mobile home in rural
Praise for When You Are Engulfed in Flames:
"Older, wiser, smarter and meaner, Sedaris...defies the odds once again by delivering an intelligent take on the banalities of an absurd life." --Kirkus Reviews
This latest collection proves that not only does Sedaris still have it, but he's also getting better....Sedaris's best stuff will still--after all this time--move, surprise, and entertain." --Booklist
Table of Contents:
This Old House
Buddy, Can You Spare a Tie?
What I Learned
The Monster Mash
In the Waiting Room
Solutions to Saturday's Puzzle
Adult Figures Charging Toward a Concrete Toadstool
All the Beauty You Will Ever Need
Town and Country
The Man in the Hut
Of Mice and Men
The Smoking Section
Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: The Classic Regency Romance-Now with Ultraviolent Zombie Mayhem ( Quirk Classics )
"It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains." So begins Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, an expanded edition of the beloved Jane Austen novel featuring all-new scenes of bone-crunching zombie mayhem. As our story opens, a mysterious plague has fallen upon the quiet English village of Meryton and the dead are returning to life! Feisty heroine Elizabeth Bennet is determined to wipe out the zombie menace, but she's soon distracted by the arrival of the haughty and arrogant Mr. Darcy. What ensues is a delightful comedy of manners with plenty of civilized sparring between the two young lovers and even more violent sparring on the blood-soaked battlefield as Elizabeth wages war against hordes of flesh-eating undead. Can she vanquish the spawn of Satan? And overcome the social prejudices of the class-conscious landed gentry? Complete with romance, heartbreak, swordfights, cannibalism, and thousands of rotting corpses, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies transforms a masterpiece of world literature into something you'd actually want to read.
A humor classic by one of the funniest writers today, SIDE EFFECTS is a treat for all those who know his work and those just discovering how gifted he is. Included here are such classics as REMEMBERING NEEDLEMAN, THE KUGELMASS EPISODE, a new sory called CONFESSIONS OF A BUGLAR, and more.